Table of Contents

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1. Basic Questions regarding dead cows

2. Getting a dead cow of your very own and treating it properly

3. Training your dead cow

4. Dealing with a sick or dying dead cow

5. Fun facts about dead cows

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1. BASIC QUESTIONS REGARDING DEAD COWS

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Q. What is a dead cow?

A. A cow that is not living due to starvation, old age, gunshots, drug addiction, spontaneous combustion, dissin' the gangsta's, or laser rifle fire.

Q. Why are dead cows important?

A. Because if cows didn't die, they would take up too much space and there wouldn't be enough room for humans so we'd all fall in the ocean.

Q. Which ocean?

A. Whichever one you choose.

Q. Why is the room spinning?

A. Try not eating all that Clearasil next time you get hungry.

Q. Why is it that dead cows don't move?

A. Because they're dead, stupid.

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2. GETTING A DEAD COW OF YOUR VERY OWN AND TREATING IT PROPERLY

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Q. Where can I get a dead cow of my own?

A. Just go to some farmer's pasture and gun one down, he won't mind. Now strap it to the roof of your car and bring it home. You are now the proud owner of a dead cow.

Q. What do dead cows eat?

A. They don't actually need to eat anything, but if you want to you can stick a bug in it's mouth.

Q. What are ideal living conditions for my dead cow?

A. Preferably a room of it's very own in your house/apartment/condo/barracks/space station/prison, but it's

own little space under the kitchen sink will do.

Q. wnxij328dm,3o92;x;'4,d92nd0klsnd8pjrej/v'pjae9[tjewjrmcx

A. Actually, I find that when I cook my T.V. dinners at 750 degrees, they tend to set off the smoke alarm, but that could just be the voice in my head getting back at me for all those nachos I stuffed in my ear.

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3. TRAINING YOUR DEAD COW

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Q. My dead cow keeps biting me. What should I do?

A. Convince your siamese twin or alternate personality that it is not a good idea to control the dead cow's mouth in such a way that it bites your face.

Q. What are some tricks I can teach my dead cow?

A. Quite a few, really. Here are a few basic tricks, and how to teach them to your dead cow:

SIT

Step 1: Grab cow by head, preferably with help of friend.

Step 2: Push cow forward so it is balancing on it's butt. Say "Sit!"

Step 3: Make sure cow is balanced, then let go.

Step 4: If cow falls over on floor, repeat from step 1.

Step 5: If cow falls over on friend, get a new friend and repeat from step 1.

Step 6: If cow does not fall over, praise cow ("Good cow!").

PLAY DEAD

Step 1: Make cow lie down if cow is not doing so already.

Step 2: Exclaim "Play dead!".

Step 3: Praise cow.

HEEL

Step 1: Attach cow to rope. Get the friend you used when teaching cow to sit and grab the rope with you.

Step 2: Drag cow using rope towards you and friend. Say "Heel!".

Step 3: If this does not work, tell friend to get off his/her ass and help you out this time or you'll kick his/her butt all the way to China, and repeat from step 2.

Step 4: Praise cow.

Q. My dead cow doesn't have a butt. How can I make him sit?

A. For this I suggest purchasing a Lee Press-On Cow Butt(tm) from your local verterinary clinic. Follow the instructions on the box and you're ready to go.

Q. My dead cow keeps getting in to the pretzels at night. What should I do?

A. Tie the cow to the wall at night. If tying the cow doesn't work, use duct tape. As a last resort, put up a force field if they have been invented. If they haven't been invented yet, tough nuggets.

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4. DEALING WITH A SICK OR DYING DEAD COW

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Q. My dead cow is dying. What can I do to cope with the soon-to-be loss?

A. Whaddaya mean she's dying? She's already dead! Duh!

Q. My cow has come down with a fever. What does this mean?

A. It means you should store your dead cow in a cooler room/closet.

Q. Can dead cows get the flu?

A. They can get dead cow flu, which causes them to stop moving, stop mooing, and stop dancing. If your cow comes down with dead cow flu, contact your local witch doctor IMMEDIATELY.

Q. But there aren't any witch doctors nearby!

A. Then your dead cow is, I'm afriad to say, doomed. The only thing that is left to do is strip naked, bathe in orange juice, and run out with the dead cow into public holding a butcher knife. Then chant "Owowowowowooo!" repeatedly and stab the dead cow over and over. When the police come to take you away, bite them.

Q. How much free time does the author really have?

A. Suffice it to say, this is one of two FAQs I'm working on simultaneously.

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5. FUN FACTS ABOUT DEAD COWS

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- Dead cows were first domesticated by Charles Manson. Or at least that's what I like to believe.

- Dead cows are the primary source of beef.

- Dead cows don't give milk. Scientists are baffled as to why this is.

- If you put a loose tooth in a glass of cola, it melts.

- I could really use some pizza right now.

- Exactly no religions worship dead cows except a few crazy little cults that also believe in such ridiculous principles as kindness and punishing the evil.

- I really need to stop staying up 'till 2:30 AM every night.